Thankful

What a difference a year makes. Last year at this time, I was scared, depressed and unable to very thankful unfortunately. We had just had our first appointment with the infertility specialist and did not yet know what direction we would be heading. I remember Thanksgiving Eve well. Frank and I had some wine, dinner and just spent time together. No TV, no computer. It was nice. It was a little reprieve before the holidays smacked us in the face with reminders everywhere that Christmas is about children and we had no guarantees we would be parents.

Today, I put the baby down for a nap in his crib. He laid there awake for awhile, quiet and content as I watched him on the monitor. He was too precious to leave there. So I scooped him up, declared family nap time and laid him in the bed with me ( Terrible I know). I laid him next to me and watched his big blue eyes slowly start to close as he wiggled as close to me as he could get and I cried remembering how I felt last year.

There are so many things I am thankful for this year.
- a happy, healthy, beautiful baby boy
- my wonderful husband who really is an amazing dad
- the doctors and technology that enabled us to become pregnant in the first place and the insurance that covered most of the cost
- my family and friends who supported us through our treatments and have welcomed Liam with love and generosity

I hope all of you ( the 2 people still reading) have a wonderful Thanksgiving. I hope you all can feel as blessed as I do either now or very very soon.

Things you do not want to hear during labor...

From the Dr.....

This really should have been an easy delivery

Most women have at least 3 cm of perineum. You barely have a centimeter.

From your husband.....

Don't worry, the contraction is almost over...look at the monitor. (pre epidural)

Birth Story

The boy is finally here! Liam Francis born 10/29 at 12:15am. He was 8lbs 9 oz and 20 in long and perfect if I do say so myself. Here is the story

We arrived at the hospital at 7am on 10.28 for induction. I had pretty much begged them to induce at my 39 week apt for many reasons. One, we knew he was a good size already and I did not want a 10 lb baby. I also had to give work a stop date for my scheduled patients which was 10.24 and I did not want to waste maternity leave without a baby. I had also been dilated to 3 cms and 75% effaced for 2 weeks. So we scheduled the induction and tried everything to bring on labor naturally before then which did not work.

We arrived at the hospital at 7am and got settled and waited for the shift change to be over to get started. Once I got all hooked up to monitors and got my IV in at the hospital they checked me and I was STILL 3cm and 75% effaced which I had been for the past 3 weeks. I was not happy. I was, however, contracting every 2-3 minutes altohugh they were not not strong enough to do anything. Anyway at 8:30 they started the Pitocin at the lowest dose and gradually increased it while we pretty much just hung out and watched TV and played on the computer. I could feel the contractions but they were not much more than menstrual cramps. The hospital had wireless internet which was a Godsend. At 2:30, the OB checked me and I was STILL 3cm. I was very frustrated to say the least. She decided tyo break my bag of water at this point to see if the contractions picked up. Lets just say they did. By 3:30 I was ready for the epidural but it was 5pm by the time the anesthesia got there as they were pretty busy that day. I was pretty much in tears at that point. I was contracting every 1-2 minutes and not getting any break in between. Not helpful was my husband who would inform me when the contractions were "lessening" by looking at the toco monitor. Thanks.

The epidural was a Godsend and I had a really good one. I could move my feet and feel pressure but no pain. I was 5cm dilated when I got the epidural placed. Next time, God willing, I would get it sooner. After the epidural, I vomitted once but then felt great and watched Jepordy and Its a Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown. At about 8:30 I was fully dliated but the Dr did not want me to push yet. It was the on call Dr at this point which was fine with me and he apparently likes the baby to drop as much as possible before pushing. At about 9:15 my nurse had me start pushing for about 40 min and then the Dr had me rest again. I managed a little catnap which was nice. We resumed pushing at 11:30pm. Pushing is quite tiring. They has me do 4 reps of 10 counts with each contraction and by the last rep I was done by the 8 count. It felt like I was trying to take the worlds largest poop.

By midnight the bed was broken down and the delivery table in place. The baby had pooped while in utero so neonatatolgy was also there for delivery which actually made me really happy. Meconium is really common and usually no big deal but if the baby aspirates it, it can be a major problem. We ended up needing the vacuum and an episitomy to get him out because despite having rather large hips, my pelvic outlet is quite small and I have almost no perineum....but that is another story. At 12:15 am on 10/29 Liam finally popped out with lots of intense pushing from me and pulling from the OB. He was deep suctioned multiple times for mec but not intubated and cried immediately. Once I was all stitched up, I felt pretty good. I never needed anything stonger than Motrin after the birth and was walking around by 5am.

We are completely in Love with him more and more every second.

Tour

Today we went on a tour of Bryn Mawr Hospital where I will be delivering. We are not taking any birthing classes and I thought we should at least know where L&D is as the only part of the hospital I knew how to get to was the infertility office. It was a tour and we saw where everything was. Perfect! What amazed me was the questions people ask. "Can we delay the Vitamin K?" "How will the nurses know whether we want to breast of bottle feed?" What kind of epidural can I get?" Now maybe those are all honest questions but TAKE A BIRTHING CLASS THEN. I just kept rolling my eyes. I really need to work on not being so judgemental.

A letter

Dear son

We are getting closer...only 8 more weeks until we figure out what you look like. We are all very excited to meet you. However, if you do not stop kicking my cervix we are looking at some serious time out time after you are born.

Much Love,

Your Mother

Shopping Spree

This past weekend we did a lot of shopping. It can pretty much be divided into the good, bad, and ridiculous.

The Good

We got the kid a car seat so I guess we are good to go. I am not sure why but this really made it seem real. Maybe because you can't bring them home without a car seat. After much deliberation down to when we were leaving the house...we ended up with this one. We also were able to get a bunch a stuff that we had not gotten from the registry, really exciting stuff like crib pads and bassinet sheets. Sunday, I went to the Carters outlet and got a bunch of sleepers and onesies. Let me tell you that is one dangerous store.

The Bad

I was/am in desperate need of new (read bigger) maternity clothes. It is not fun to spend a fortune on clothes you will only wear for a short while. The shirts I bought back in April are just not quite covering my belly at this point and we are starting to border on obscene. I was able to get some long sleeves tops at Mimi/Motherhood. I may still need another pair of pants for when it gets too cold to wear Capri's anymore to get me through til Nov but otherwise I should be good.

The Ridiculous

I had a gift card to Baby Gap burning a hole in my pocket so while we were out and about we made a pit stop. I picked up this and this which are too adorable for words. I am thinking of going with the brown one for the baby's coming home outfit. We have a super cute knit pumpkin hat that one of my mom's friends made which is a good fall look for the newborn crowd I think. The point where Frank thinks I really lost it, however, was in Gymboree. I insisted on getting a Halloween Costume for the baby. I am aware that he will be a few days old at most and that we will likely have it on him for a grand total of 2 minutes for a picture...but it will (it better be) his first Halloween and he needs a costume!

Not Dead

I am not dead. There has been so much going on this past month that I got away from blogging and then, well, it seemed overwhelming to get back into it.

Lets see...over the past month we have
- set up the nursery (with some minor things left to do)
- completely renovated our basement which is now a Man Land/playroom
- Had an amazing Baby shower BBQ with all our friends and family at our house
- Had events going on almost every weekend

So it has been a bit hectic. Add in the fact that work has been crazier than usual as everyone needs school physicals and I do not know if I am coming or going, but this will be my attempt to jump back in to the world of blogger.

Decision 2008

We have a decision! I am not talking about which candidate to elect in November, it is something much closer to my heart these days. Baby Bedding. The search for bedding has been an ongoing struggle in our house. I found 20 sets I liked for a girl but none for a boy. We came up with a set from Pottery Barn Kids that we liked but I knew they were close to releasing a new catalog so I decided to hold off until then to buy anything. So I called PBK like once a week to find out when the new release was coming. I was given a different answer each time I called until someone gave me a date of 7/22 which was last Tuesday. Tuesday came and went and no bedding. I was not pleased. If PBK tracks hits to their website, I am sure they are working on some kind of restraining order against me as I was refreshing every 5 minutes. Finally Friday morning the new catalog was online and luckily we really liked one of the new sets. Well, I liked it....Frank took some convincing but he is on board too.
So here is the winner!

Furniture comes tomorrow and I can't wait to see how it looks put together.

Name that tune....

My awesomely fantastic (hows that for that for bad English) husband took my not so subtle hints and got me an iPod Nano in green AND a matching green speaker base. Woo hoo! He also got me this which is a little frightening but he means well. I had an iPod Mini but it died a slow painful death, so this is a wonderful replacement. I already have a good amount of music I like on there and now I want to start putting on kids music so I can use it in the nursery as well.
I have a bunch of my favorites in my head....like ABC-DEF-GHI from Sesame Street. I am also excited about all the artists who are putting out kids albums like the Bare Naked Ladies. But I would love to hear what you favorite kids songs are....the more the merrier.

Goodbye Ankles....

Hello Cankles! In a rather disturbing turn of events, my ankles are taking on the looks of those of my high school principle. Trust me, its not pretty. I was anticipating this, but not this soon. I had mentally prepared myself for it somewhere around week 35 and yet here we are 10 weeks earlier. I am not pleased.

I knew before I ever got pregnant that I would not be one of those cute pregnant women, who you never knew was pregnant unless she turned around to unveil her big ole belly.... I missed that sign up sheet in the gene pool. However, I am beginning to struggle with the change of my body. Not the belly, that does not bother me, its the face, hips, and thighs that are getting to me. For the first time in 8 years my thighs now rub together. I worked damn hard to lose a lot of weight years ago and I am now starting to see remnants of my former self and I am not pleased. I know it is a temporary state and I am very thankful to be pregnant but still it messes with your mind a bit.

On my schedule today

Almighty Allah

Thats a big name for a kid to live up to!

Dear Co-Irker

Perhaps you have not realized that we work in an area where we have very few resources, or perhaps you do not care. I am confused, however, as to why you decided to perseverate over nutritional information posted in the exam rooms. In truth I had not even noticed them, as I explained to you and I am glad you are taking the time to examine everything so closely. I am sorry that the information posted BY OUR NUTRITIONIST was published by the beef council but hey, free is free. The information is good info for our patients and not in the slightest insinuating that we should only eat beef all the time, more so educating them about the importance of a balanced diet and good vitamin and calcium intake. Yes, there s a small logo on the bottom of the page for the beef council but is that really sending our patients the wrong message as you were so worried about. I realize you and your entire family do not eat meat of any kind and I am sorry you are offended personally by the beef council but was it really necessary to take down the handouts and store them until the nutritionist returns from vacation? Way to pick something ridiculous to get upset over.

Have I mentioned I hate my job

Scary

On Thursday, I went into Hallmark to buy a birthday card for my cousin and was greeted by Halloween decorations. Halloween decorations!!! I will likely have a baby by Halloween. Holy Crap! I mean October is so far away...isn't it?

I really think emotionally we are ready, however from an organizational standpoint we are not. When we ordered our furniture, we were told 12-14 weeks before it would be in. Imagine my surprise, then, to learn that not only was my Munire crib, hutch and dresser in last week, but so was my glider which was ordered from another store. So I know have a lovely glider sitting in my living room until we are finished clearing out the nursery which needs to be done before July 28 because that is when the other furniture is being delivered. And there is still that little matter of bedding.....sigh.

Menu

We are trying to plan the menu for the baby shower. This is proving to be a little diffacult because it requires coordination between my mother and MIL, who have very different ideas about things to say the least. We are going for a BBQ type event and there will be men, women, and children there. So help me out....what am I mising?

Appys
Guacomole
Sun dried tomato dip
Hummas and pita
Veggie Tray Spinac
Cheese and Cracker Tray
Deviled Eggs
Melon wrapped in proscuito
Spinach Dip (maybe)
Bruschetta (maybe)

Entrees
Hamburgers
Hotdogs (Thurmans)
Spinach Salad
Caprese Salad
Pasta Salad
Potato Salad
Sandwich Tray
Bonduki (sp?) I have no idea what this is. It is some kind of pork meatball my MIL in insisting on making
Sausage and Peppers

Dessert
Cake
Cupcakes
Brownies
Fruit Salad in carved watermelon.
Ice Pops for the kids

I am open to any and all suggestions.

Home Improvements

I finally feel like I have had a very productive weekend. On Sat, Frank and his uncle patched the drywall in our basement that was ruined from a flood over a year ago. Hopefully, we will be able to get it primed this week and paint over the weekend. Yesterday, I ran a bunch of errands (Can I describe my love of the Christmas Tree Shoppe) and then we hung decorative shelves and towel bars and started on the closet organizer in the nursery. It was seriously the most we have gotten done in a weekend ever. Of course, now I want to keep going. We are on a tight schedule to get things done before the shower in August. I wanted to have it at my house for many reasons, getting the house done just seems to be an added bonus.

A New Day

I was watching So You Thing You Can Dance the other night. No seriously, it is a pretty good show. Anyway, there was a dance to A New Day by Celine Dion and I fell in love with the song. I am not the biggest Celine Dion fan, actually I can't stand her, but the words of the song caught my attention. I found the song on iTunes and I have been listening and crying ever since. Rumor has it this song was inspired by her own struggle with infertility and the birth of her son.

I was waiting for so long
For a miracle to come
Everyone told me to be strong
Hold on and don't shed a tear

Through the darkness and good times
I knew I'd make it through
And the world thought I had it all
But I was waiting for you

Hush, love

I see a light in the sky
Oh, it's almost blinding me
I can't believe
I've been touched by an angel with love

Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new, new sun
A new day has...come

Where it was dark now there's light
Where there was pain now there's joy
Where there was weakness, I found my strength
All in the eyes of a boy

I have a new favorite song and I can't wait to share it with my son.

Big Week

Last week was a big week. We had our "big" ultrasound and it is still a boy, and more importantly everything looks great. We have also narrowed down daycare choices, begun our registries, ordered furniture and the shower invites have gone out. Everything is rolling right along. October still seems very far away, but I guess in reality it is not.

Sad

I am deeply saddened by the death of Tim Russert. Probably more than I should be for a man I did not know personally. I am not big into politics but I did enjoy Meet the Press on Sundays.
I remember clearly when he spoke at my college graduation. They actually moved graduation back a couple of hours so he could fly up after Meet the Press. I have no idea who spoke at my grad school or med school graduations so he obviously made an impression. My Nana LOVED Tim Russert, spoke about him as if they were best friends. She was in a wheelchair at my graduation and due to her preferred seating, she sat next to Luke, Tim's son, who was about 11 at the time. I know she is up there trying to tell him all about it right now.
God Speed Tim.

Snotty

One of the things with being pregnant is people ALWAYS ask you how you feel. Nonstop. I have been really lucky and have had very few side effects (knocking wildly on wood). Plus, I feel like complaining about pregnancy side effects after going through infertility somehow appears ungrateful. Anyway, my only real side effect has been congestion. Yeah, that's one not every one knows about but makes for some rather uncomfortable sleeping conditions. Overall though, it has not been too bad, until about 2 weeks ago that is.

I got a pretty nasty cold two weeks ago which was miserable. I hardly ever take cold meds to begin with and now with the whole pregnancy thing, I was not about to start. Until the night I realized I would never sleep and literally could not breathe at all which resulted in a breakdown sending Frank to the store 2 minutes before closing to sign his life away for some Sudafed. The cold got better as colds do and I was feeling pretty good going into Memorial Day weekend. Then the allergies hit in a big, bad, way. I have always had allergies and was surprised I had not been having any symptoms as it has been a pretty bad season (see why the knocking on wood is important). After watching me claw off my face for a week and threatening death if he dared open a window, Frank suggested that perhaps I take some allergy medicine. So I started some Zyrtec, which luckily is now over the counter so the insurance company can refuse to pay for it. After paying a half of tank of gas for a few measly pills, I was feeling better. For two days. Then I started coughing like I was applying of the job of sea lion in a Sea World show. A (self) diagnosis of bronchitis and a few days into a Z Pack and I am not coughing nearly as much, but now my allergies are out of control again and have apparently decided that Zyrtec is not going to keep them down. And the congestion is back.

So much for not wanting to take medicine, this kid is going to need rehab when he is born. He is also going to have a mother without a head because I am chopping mine off. It seems to be the only answer.

The Hips don't lie

I have never ever been a small girl. I have, in fact, been very very large. However, even when I was at my lowest weight, my hips were still disproportionately large when compared to the rest of my body. Thanks to my Dad's side for that one. I am self conscious about it and while I may be lazy about exercising these days, there is not much I can do about how my weight distributes itself. I proved that one when I was running seven miles a day. So why is it that people must constantly point out that I am carrying the baby in my hips. I KNOW! I GET IT! Thanks for bringing it to my attention. I swear, these things better be good for easily pushing out an infant or I am not going to be pleased.

Cops

There is always some excitement here at the office. This morning, I was sitting in my office and I could hear some commotion going on in the distance but I ignored it, because, well, there is always commotion around here for some reason. Then I got the low down from one of my teenage patients. Apparently, the security guard, AKA Robocop, for the shopping complex we are in was hitting some old (homeless) man who was outside. Our security guard went out to stop him and then Robocop started fighting with him. But wait, the drama gets better. The guards fight was broken up by two construction men who happened to be hanging around...because they are actually undercover cops. We are not sure what kind of sting was going on, but I am sure it will come out with time. I feel like I am in an episode of Cops.
Bad boys, Bad boys whatcha gonna do.....

Claymination

Have I mentioned that my MIL is a huge Clay Aiken fan. A Clay mate as they call them. I know, I don't get it either, but she goes to all the concerts, TIVOs everything on TV with him, and surfs the Clay message boards. Who knew there were message boards for Clay? Do not try to insinuate that he may like boys, because she gets VERY offended. It is kind of funny. All I have to say is that if this is true, there is no way she is living it down.

TMZ has learned Clay Aiken is going to be a daddy. In case you didn't process that, Clay Aiken is going to be a daddy.Here's what we know. Multiple sources tell us the mother is Jaymes Foster, a record producer and Clay's best friend. He lives at her home when he's in L.A.We're told 50-year-old Foster, who produced several Aiken CDs, is due in August. She's the sister of record mogul David Foster. She divorced a few years back and has no kids. Aiken is 29.We're told Foster was artificially inseminated. But Clay is a lot more than sperm -- we're told he will have an active role in raising the child.No immediate word from Aiken's rep.

I really can not wait to hear her reaction to this! Lets hope she does not suggest his sperm for any future IUIs we may do.

Inferno

Those of you who know me know that I have no love lost for my job. I like what I do but HATE where I do it. I sold my soul to devil, otherwise known as the US government, so here I sit for the next 2-3 years. Lovely.

I have never read Dante's Inferno (it was way too long and with big words), but I imagine that my office must be something very similar to the seventh circle of hell. I really don't think words could do it justice but here are some fun examples to muse about.

* On Tuesday there was no white paper in the building. No one ordered it. Everything, billing sheets, chart notes, patient handouts had to be done on yellow paper.

* I currently have one medical assistant assigned to help me. No else knows how or wants to work in pediatrics. On days where there are 2 docs in peds, we still only have one MA. Some days that means one MA for over 40 pts. You want to guess how far behind we run. Not pretty.

* We are yelled at daily by finance for not seeing enough patients, yet they refuse to acknowledge we may need more help.

* If you are a patient here, and you are 2 hours late for your apt, or you no show and come in as a walk in in the afternoon, that is OK. There is no reason for patients to keep their appts.

* If you miss an apt and come in 3 days later and curse and scream and demand a physical apt (which usually take a month to get), you will not be escorted from the building, we will bend over backwards to make you happy, and then the nurses and docs will be blamed because the pt missed her original apt.

I could go on but you get the idea.

Bad Blogger

I have been a bad blogger. I have started many posts which are neatly stored in drafts but have not done anything with them. Work has been hellacious, and frankly, I have not had much to say.

Things are status quo here. I go today for the blood work for the second part of the sequential screen and this one should report on our risk for neural tube defects as well. My next OB apt is in 2 weeks and my "big" ultrasound is in 3 weeks.

We did go and look at furniture this weekend, which was a little overwhelming. I think we narrowed it down to two sets....
http://www.munirefurniture.com/majestic_01.htm
And
http://www.munirefurniture.com/newport_01.htm

We like the Majestic in Cabernet and the Newport in Espresso. Originally we thought we wanted a rounded back to the crib, but now think maybe a flat top, which would be the majestic, because it looks better when converted to a double bed.

I also want to get a rocker from the storytime series, but we are not sure which one yet
http://www.bestchairs.com/bcpublic/productLine.do?product=JU&style=&forward=Storytime

Decisions, decisions.......

Sentimental

My Mother's Day gift from Frank.....Its Perfect!

Not Your Typical Dinner Conversation

Frank had some friends over last weekend, both of whom experienced infertility with their wives and now have children. Somewhere over wings and beer, the topic turned to how and where they each had given "samples". It was amusing to hear them compare war stories and maybe even boast a little to each other. I guess that is the male version of an infertility support group.

Bouncing Baby......

Why the color change?

I had my nuchal translucency ultrasound last Thursday. I do not have the results of the test yet, but it appears that the kid is a BOY! It is an early guess, but it was a pretty good money shot. We are thrilled. The information has saved us hours on debating names as we were no where close to reaching a decision on a girl's name but has added much time on to my bedding search, as I have not found any boy's bedding a am thrilled with. I am open to all suggestions.

Just When You Thought It Was Safe

We have been on a self imposed don't tell policy with the pregnancy. Our immediate families knew, our closest friends, and our doctors. No need to tell the whole world, other than the Internet of course. We decided that we would start to tell people after my nuchal translucency ultrasound which was scheduled for last Thursday.

On Wednesday, I get a group email sent from one of my friends from college announcing her pregnancy with her second child. Her due date is after mine. So, I think what the hell and I respond to the email saying that I am pregnant as well. I also include a small blurb about our infertility treatments and loss of a twin, mainly because it is part of our story and I feel an important one. One of my friends responds to my email with congratulations and says that she is glad "all that" is behind us now. I started to tear up at my desk as I read the words. Now I know that she did not mean anything by the statement and it was likely just a poor choice of words, but there is no way in hell that this is or will ever be behind us. Frank responded with, "it is behind us until we want a second child then it is all in front of us again". I am sure the sting of infertility may lesson a bit over time, but we will never be the same and not all in bad ways. I realize that if I want to tell our whole story, I need to realize that stupid comments will abound but if we are able to educate just a few people then I guess it was worth it.

Walk on

This past Saturday was our local March of Dimes Walk for Babies walk to raise money. Frank and I had the honor of Walking with Team Mighty Matt, a team in memory of our good friends nephew who passed away at about 2 weeks of age after being born premature and with congenital heart defects. We had a great time although next year perhaps I should train a little for the hilly terrain of the 5 mile walk. Its sad that I used to run every day and now a measly 5 mile walk made me tired, but I digress.

March of Dimes does great work in raising money for research to help promote healthy babies, be it in reducing prematurity and birth defects, or to find new therapies for preterm infants. When I was in medical school 50% of infants born at 25 weeks would not survive and 50% of those that did wold have significant disabilities. Those numbers are MUCH better now thanks to new medications and advances in respiratory support. I have a special place in my heart for the March of Dimes as my favorite rotations in med school and residency were in the NICU. I was always the most comfortable there. I loved the science of neonatology, the practice, and the families. I was always amazed how a family who had a unexpected preterm birth could rise to the challenges of NICU. It is not always easy for them, more like a roller coaster ride with its ups and downs, and these families were some of the strongest I met. Had I not had some scholarship obligations to fulfill that required me to practice general pediatrics, I would be completing the second year of a three year fellowship in Neonatology right now. I have not completely ruled out going back either, although I think it will be much harder for me to go back than had I gone straight through. I will say walking onto the field on Sat and seeing all of the team shirts and signs with pictures of premature babies, some who were there that day and others who lost their battle brought back a flood of emotions for me of how much I miss my contact with that world.

So, I was walking on Saturday for Matthew, for all the babies I have cared for, for those I now only through the computer, and for all the babies that never had the chance to fight. I can't wait for next year.

Blind as a Bat

So the aforementioned glasses seem to be missing. I have NO idea what happened to them. Then only thing I can think of is that they fell out of my bag when I was getting out of my car and are now being worn by someone in West Philly. Saturday, I took a trip to the optometrist to have my eyes refracted since the last time I went was in October of 2004, otherwise known as the last time I lost my glasses. Well, not lost per say, more like left in a hotel room in Pittsburgh. My eyes have never been that bad. I only first started wearing glasses in graduate school. I guess once I started to study, it had an effect. Imagine my surprise when the Dr. put up the eye chart and had me cover my left eye and I could not read the chart AT ALL. Apparently, my eyesight has changed dramatically for the worse. Some of it may be due to pregnancy, but not all. I had been getting migraines behind my right eye lately, which was the weaker eye. I was chalking them up to pregnancy sinuses but maybe it was actually eye strain. We'll see. So if you happen to be in the heart of West Philly, and see someone walking around with black and green frames, let them keep them. I have cool new frames now. The downside....I can see the dust in my house much clearer.

Too Cool

I am so cool I am sitting in my office with my sunglasses on. Why? I left my glasses at home somehow. I must have put my sunglasses on (prescription) and instead of putting my glasses in my bag, I left them on the counter.

Ugggghhhhhh

Art?????

This literally makes me physically ill. This girl is trivializing pregnancy and miscarriage. And Lord knows what irreparable damage she has done to her body, although from the articles I have read she does not seem to care. I acknowledge that I am not the most outside of the box thinker but can someone please explain to me how this is art?????????????????

Lessons

Things I learned today....

If you have synthetic hair, aka a weave, you use boiling hot water to curl it, not a curling iron. If you spill said water, you will get second degree burns.

Seriously, I asked why they did not use a curling iron, and they looked at me like stupid white girl. Which, admittedly, I am.

I hate people

I have lost my faith in mankind......again.

I work in an inner city clinic where the vast majority of our patients are underprivileged to say the least. They also are suspect to many of diseases of the inner city. We have an alarmingly high asthma rate. It is due to many factors, poverty, poor living conditions, mold, cockroaches, and the fact that at baseline, Blacks have a higher risk for having asthma.

Anyway, we try to see our pediatric asthma patients at least every 3 months, to check on their medications and make sure we do not need to adjust anything, as well as to do teaching. Well, as you can imagine, we have a small percentage of patients who actually show up for these appointments. So, we resorted to bribery. We sent out postcards and asked our patients to bring it in during their asthma visit for a free gift. Nothing big, just stuff from the dollar store, but we are trying to get the kids in and see how many people respond to our mailings as we have done many mailings in the past reminding people to schedule asthma visits with little response. Tonight, I had a grand mom (who has custody) bring in 2 kids aged 3 and 4 for their asthma visits with her postcard in hand. Great. The kids keep talking about their prize. I finish the visit, go to get the toys and they are GONE! GONE! They were in the closet in my office where I have a bunch of other crap including cream samples, formula, and nebulizers. I look everywhere they could possibly be and they are nowhere to be found. I am disgusted. The grand mom was really understanding and we will get toys for the kids but I felt like crap. I HATE promising kids stuff and then falling through. It makes you look like I liar and kids remember. I never lie to them. If they need a shot, I tell them. If it is going to hurt I tell them, in a nice way of course. It is way better to be honest with them. Who knows who stole the gifts, but we have had issues with the cleaning staff in the past. All I know is I hope they really needed them.

Tagged

I have been tagged by Busted to list 6 unimportant things about me. I am terrible at this stuff but I will give it a shot.

1. I read magazines back to front. All the time. Not sure why or how it started.

2. I used to have a deathly fear of downward escalators. I would seriously walk to the other side of the mall to find stairs. It took years to get over it.

3. I have a great memory for birthdays. I wake up and remember it is someones birthday whom I have not spoken to in years. Phone numbers I stink at.

4. I have a pointed ear and a rounded ear.

5. I am a Christmas freak! I love it! I have been known to play Christmas music in the summer and I start baking in early November.

6. I can fall asleep anywhere, anytime anyhow.

I never send out chain mail so I am not going to tag anyone, but if you are reading and feel like sharing...go for it.

11 weeks

I am 11 weeks pregnant today. It seems like I have been pregnant for a long time yet few people know and I have a LOOOOONG way to go. I had my first OB appointment yesterday which went well. Although, I really think that there needs to be an alternate pathway for infertility patients. A weaning process if you will. It is just not right to go from ultrasounds with every visit to smile from the Dr and assurances that everything is ok. We want proof lady! She was able to find the heartbeat with the doppler after the nurse failed to do so. I was going to rip it out of the nurses hand to do it myself, but I thought that may not have made the best first impression. The Dr. did say I could come in whenever I want to listen. We actually have one at my office but I need to figure out how to steal it away from the medical assistants without question. Poor Frank, though, he did not come with me yesterday and he is used to the procedure at the RE office. His first question was how much did it grow from last visit. Hmm, not sure, no ultrasound. I set up my nuchal translucency ultrasound for 4/24 so we will get another look then.

Death by Alarm Clock

I love my husband, I really do. He gave me a wonderful birthday yesterday, and is generally the kindest person I know. It is unfortunate then, that I am going to have to kill him. We have very different sleeping patterns. I go to bed early, he sits downstairs and fights sleep for as long as possible while finding dumb shows to watch on TV. I will give him that last night was the NCAA Championship game, but it is an every night occurrence. Come morning, I get up when my alarm clock goes off. I may not be happy about it, but I get up. Frank, on the other hand, sets his alarm for about an hour before he plans to get up and continually hits the snooze button. Sometimes, I have to hit him for him to reset the alarm as its buzzing turns to shrill, rapid tones the longer it goes. This goes on for at least 6 cycles. Then, out of nowhere, a song will start blaring from his cell phone, his back up alarm he likes to call it. The end result is Frank still sleeping and now late and me wide awake an hour early and both of us cranky. It would be justified manslaughter, right?

AMEN

This is hysterical!

It is a must read if you also do not believe for one second that J Lo had no infertility treatments.

Pretty as a picture

I came home today to a freshly painted living room, stairs, and upstairs hallway. We hired painters to do the work since neither Frank nor I are spectacular painters (as evidenced by all the other rooms we have done). It is really amazing to see the ceilings perfect and no splashes anywhere. I told Frank he should have taken the day off to just observe. They should be completely done tomorrow.
Of course, this means we need new living room furniture, right?

Disgusted

I am disgusted!!!!!

At about 5 pm today as I was leaving I get a message from an attorney's office. The way the message was written, it seemed as if they needed our fax number for a release of information. So I figured I would call and get them the number quick. BIG MISTAKE...HUGE!

Nope they had already faxed over info and the attorney wanted to speak with me about one of our patients. Not only did he want to speak with me but had the mom in his office and put me on speaker phone. The child in question is 5 or 6 and has MRCP (mental retardation and cerebral palsy) I believe he was an ex 25 week preterm infant. It is very unfortunate but it does happen at times. He is also a twin. Mom is suing the Dr. who delivered the child for damages, which if you ask me is ridiculous. Well, they are going to supenoa me to testify about the patients recent care. Now we first met the pt in 2006 and have NONE of his previous records. We have not seen the pt since July because mom misses every appointment we make for her. We have bent over backwards to accommodate her and her excuses as to why she misses appointments are pathetic. I think our office has only seen him 3 or 4 times. Mom does not take him to his specialists appointments either. Is the pt ever going to be a normal kid, no unfortunately, but his quality of life would be a heck of a lot better if mom did what she was supposed to. Now the lawyers want us to bend over backwards to get him an appointment in our office before his trial. Umm No. He has had a multiple appointments and missed them, he does not get to go to the front of the line.

The lawyer said he was going to call back on Monday and if that is the case, you can bet your life I am going to tell him it is likely in his clients best interest NOT to supenoa me.

Vacation

I was off for the last 6 days which was awesome. Unfortunately, I realized as I was driving to work today that my next day off is not until Memorial Day, and thats seems VERY far away.

In very sad news, one of the women on the nest who was pregnant with twins after IVF lost both twins today at 23 weeks due to a placetntal abrution. Yesterday, she had a normal healthy pregnancy and today, well, she does not. Her blog is....http://bustedbabymaker.blogspot.com/. I am heartbroken for her and her family.

Pomp and Circumstance

I graduated!

OK so I have graduated from many things in my life, but this one is right up there. On Monday I graduated from the RE. We had an ultrasound that showed that Twin A is right on track and growing beautifully. Twin B has not grown and will reabsorb. We knew this was likely the case and while I was a little sad, I am very excited that everything seems great with A. The doctor quoted my miscarriage risk at less than one percent. He also recommended that when we are ready to try again we only try for a few months before seeking treatment. Now I have to wait 3 weeks before my first OB appointment. I don't know if I can make it.

One Year

It has been one year since Frank and I were married. We chose to get married on St. Patrick's Day because it is the best day of the whole year. It was the most perfect day. Now the day before with the Nor'easter and blizzard like conditions was another story, but the day itself couldn't have been better. We had Irish music and Guinness and green beer and bagpipers. I think that people had as much fun as we did. We felt very lucky because we were able to share the weekend with my best friend and her husband who were married a year before on the 18th.

Frank and I celebrated on Sat night with dinner at the Dillworthstown Inn. We had a wonderful dinner. Anyplace that serves lobster mashed potatoes is ok in my book. We were a little unsure at first because we had reservations for 5:30 so it was us and a lot of 80 year olds. The dining room we were in was VERY quiet. You felt bad to have a conversation at a normal speaking level. Once the dining room filled up a bit, it was better though. I had lobster and Frank had steak and the only thing I wished we had gotten was the Cesar salad they prepare table side. Next time.

There were many times when I thought I would never find anyone to spend my life with. Its true that it happens when you least expect it. I love you Frank, more and more everyday. Thank you for loving me.

Hell has frozen over

Frank and I made a decision AND reservations for our anniversary dinner this Saturday. We are going to the Dillworthtown Inn in West Chester, or maybe its in Chadds Ford. Anyway, since we usually frequent the chain restaurants this is big news. Of course, considering that I am eating anything that is not nailed down these days, we may go bankrupt from dinner. I am sure it will be worth it!

Limbo

We had an ultrasound today which showed a a well developing embryo with a heart rate of 142! I definitely breathed a large sigh of relief. The Ultrasound tech, who has done all my ultrasounds since starting with the RE and whom I LOVE, took all of her measurements of the embryo and then stated she needed to take some broader measurements of my uterus and ovaries. Well, lo and behold, there was another sac hiding behind the first one. Unfortunately, it is much smaller than the developing embryo and there is no heartbeat, although there is a yolk sac. In all probability, the sac will likely not catch up to become a viable embryo and will reabsorb. So we wait yet again to see what happens. I have another ultrasound next Monday. We feel so blessed and are grateful for one baby but I would be lying to say I am not a little sad about the possibility of what could have been.

I know one thing. If twin B catches up and grows, he or she is grounded from birth!!!!!

Shot Through the Heart.....

Frank and I went to see Bon Jovi last night. It was really good. Bon Jovi was my very first concert back when I was in 6th grade and I think he is better now. It was definitely amusing to see all the middle aged folks rocking out. One women had to have been in her 60s and was going nuts. She had also made a banner for Jon who apparently had a birthday on Sunday. Who knew he had such a wide fan base.

Hogar Amistad

Hogar Amistad in English means House of Friendship. It is an orphanage in Honduras and a place very close to my heart. When I was in high school, a family moved in down the street from my house who had adopted two young sons from Honduras. I babysat for the boys from the time they came home. The family started Hogar Amistad as shelter for the many many children in Honduras who need homes. At age fifteen, I was asked to accompany them and a group of doctors on a trip to Honduras to provide medical care, both to the children of the orphanage and in remote villages. The first group was very small, only about 12 people, one of whom was my childhood pediatrician.

I have been very lucky to travel to Honduras many times, I think about 10, with the medical brigade. It is the reason I decided to go to medical school. It is crazy to think that when I started I was a fifteen year old kid who was counting pills and carrying boxes and now I get to travel as a pediatrician. The group has grown as well. I think close to 50 people are expected to travel in a few weeks, including doctors, nurses, physical therapists, pharmacists, and aides. This year, Frank was coming with us. It would have been his first trip. I was very excited to show him this part of my life that he has heard so much about. Unfortunately, we won't be traveling this year. We have a great reason to not be going, as it would too risky to the pregnancy. We tend to work outside in 100 degree weather for 8-10 hours a day without unlimited access to water. What you bring out with you for the day is what you have. Honduras is also an area at high risk for contracting malaria and prophylactic medications are category C for pregnancy.

This past Sat, Frank and I went to help pack all of the donated medications and supplies onto the cargo pod which will be shipped today via banana boat to Honduras. That way everything is there and ready to go when the team arrives. It was very bittersweet for me. I got to see many of the brigade members and everyone is very excited for us and understanding, but I wish in my heart that there was some way for us to still go. I know I will return at some point but until then there is a small piece of my heart that remains in Honduras.

The most wonderful time of the year

Shamrock Shakes are back!!!!!!

It is VERY exciting.

Emotions

When we first realized that we were going to have trouble getting pregnant, I approached as a medical problem. What is wrong and how do we fix it? I said I didn't care how we got pregnant as long as it happened. I think I was kidding myself. I get it now when I read about women who have gone through infertility who say they are never the same. I feel like I got robbed.

I got pregnant on a table with my feet up in stirrups. Depending on which IUI we count as conception (I did b2b this last round), my husband was not even in the same town when it happened. There was no romance, no candles and lord knows no sex. We will never, without a miracle, be able to say lets start trying for the next one and be pregnant a few months later. It will be calculated and involve medical intervention. I will always have a pang in my heart when I hear people say they got pregnant without even trying.

I realize I am one of the lucky ones. I got pregnant. I did not have to go thorough the emotional, physical, or financial drain that is IVF. I have a bit of survivors guilt about that as well. There are so many women out there battling infertility who will be awesome mothers, why was I blessed?

I am eternally grateful for this pregnancy, but I do not think it erases the process, nor should it. I am more patient ( well maybe only a little), educated, and empathetic because of infertility. It will always be a part our story, and I will always be infertile.

Numbers

1 yolk sac and fetal pole seen on ultrasound yesterday

12 percent risk of miscarriage at this point as quoted by my RE

2 weeks until my next ultrasound

Worry Wart

I don't know what I thought it would be like once I was finally pregnant. Not so much fun, I am finding. Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining, we worked long and hard to get here. It is just that I am finding myself in a constant state of dread. "What if it is a blighted ovum?" "What if it is an ectopic?" I run through multiple miscarriage scenarios in my head daily. Morbid, right? Hopefully I will feel better after my appointment, Monday. I realize that there is nothing that I can do about it, so I should just enjoy that fact that I am pregnant, but man is that harder said than done for my type A self.

PS: Yay for spellcheck working again. Sorry for all misspellings in my previous posts. Spelling is not my friend.

My new favorite number

293!!!! That is my first beta at 14/15dpIUI. I don't have to go in again til next Mon for more b/w and an U/S. So for now I will obsess over beta levels in single and multiple gestations even though I know you can not tell anything from a number.

Its going to be a LONG week.

Sometimes I am wrong

IUI # 3 worked!

For now we are pregnant and cautiously optimistic. I should have my first beta on Mon.

Happy Valentine's Day

I am not much of a Valentine's Day girl, way to much of a prefabricated holiday for me. I always get Frank a card, but thats it. He did get me a cute teddy bear and some chocolate which was very sweet. He is going to be late coming home from work tonight so we were going to do takeout and we are so pathetic, we can't decide what to get and will likely end up with food from the restaurant down the street. Don't get me wrong, their food is good, but we eat there alot.
Sigh.

In other news, I have none but I am guessing we will not be having an October baby based on my slowly infringing PMS symptoms. I'll keep you posted.

Parents say the darndest things

During the physical exam of a 4yo little girl, I asked the mother if anyone smokes at home. Her response...... "I do, but I am going to quit because I am getting closer to my due date".

After speaking to a mother about her son's recent labwork, I was explaining to her the procedure to have further fasting blood work drawn. I explained that he must not eat or drink anything after 10pm the night before the test. Her response......"Oh, just like the abortion clinic".

I couldn't make this shit up.

Fallout

Oh dear. I seemed to have created a shitstorm.

On Tuesday, February 12th, there is a bill going before the PA house of representatives to mandate insurance coverage of infertility in PA. If you can take a few minutes to send a letter of support to the representatives on the insurance committee please follow the link.

https://secure2.convio.net/res/site/Advocacy?JServSessionIdr004=9v1vfxm1h1.app14b&cmd=display&page=UserAction&id=171


So I found out about this a few days ago and sent a letter to some of our friends who live in PA. I figure the more people who can show support of the bill the better, right? Some of the people I sent it to were not aware of our infertility and I knew that. As I have said many times before, we are not hiding anything, but we are not broadcasting it to the masses either. If people ask, we tell them. Anyway, the response has been mostly positive, with responses of "absolutely we will sign" and "we are thinking about you". But there always has to be one.

Frank has friends that did IVF for their first child and were blessed to get pregnant naturally with their second. We have not seen them since November really, when we went out to dinner with a large group of people. Well, last night Frank gets an email from this friend basically bitching him out for not having told them about our infertility. Saying, how maybe they could have helped and clearly we are not good enough friends since we did not tell them.
Excuse me, BUT THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU! I did not realize we were obligated to tell anybody, anything. Not that it matters, but the only people who before a few days ago knew everything were my closest friends. Our families don't even know yet because we did not want to bring down Christmas and have not seen them since. So now there is all this drama and Frank is pissed and I am disgusted. Hopefully, this bill will be passed and it will all be worth it.

ZZZZZZZZZ

So tired.

I gave up caffeine for Lent and anyone who knows me, knows of my addiction to Diet Coke. I don't do coffee, but I could drink a 12 pack of Diet Coke in a day without trying too hard. I didn't think I was going to make it yesterday. I fell asleep on the couch at 7:30 last night and woke at 9pm only to get to bed where I slept til this morning.
Is it Easter yet?

Cake anyone?

So we were a go for IUI 3.5 today. Frank was able to change his work schedule around so that he could produce a sample at home and not repeat the work bathroom fiasco of IUI#2. He handed me the sample saying "Here's the baby batter!". Baby Batter????? I don't know whether to be highly amused or totally disgusted by that phrase.

Our numbers were not nearly as good today. 11 mil prewash and motility about 30%. Dr. G is talking about one more Clomid cycle before IVF. I am conflicted here. I truly feel that IVF is what we need to get us pregnant, but we can do one more cycle before we break for IVF (an IVF cycle requires much more prep than IUI and often a course of birth control pills). Part of me says try injectibles rather than Clomid, as they have a higher chance of success. Dr. G does not require an injectibles cycle prior to IVF (some do) as he feel that if you do not respond well to stims during IVF you can always downgrade to IUI, but if you respond very well during an IUI cycle, it is harder to make it IVF and you run the risk of canceling the cycle due to the chance of high order multiples. But, if is not pushing injectibles yet, Clomid is ALOT cheaper!
Anyway, all we can do for right now is wait. Which, by the way, I stink at.

Wow

NY Giants are the Superbowl Champs!!!!!

Woo Hoo!

Gameday

I went in for IUI #3 today which is fitting as it is also the Superbowl, featuring the NY GIANTS!!! I think I am more excited about the superbowl than the IUI. Everything went swimmingly (pun intended), and Franks motility was the best it has ever been by far and his count was good as well. I have 2 follicles 21 and 26mm which have not released yet. This means that instead of sleeping in tomorrow I will be having yet another insemination. As my RE said "you have nothing to lose and everything to gain" by doing another one.

Frank has been an awesome cheerleader. HE is very optimistic and thinks there is no way this will not work. Me, I am going through the motions, expecting it not to work and hoping to be proved wrong. Frank feels that the fact that the IUI happened on Superbowl sunday, and the fact that the Giants are in the superbowl by a miracle equals us being pregnant in two weeks. I love his optimism.

If this works and its a boy we may just have to name him Plaxico.

A sorta kinda plan

My U/S today showed that the larger follies have grown and the smaller ones fizzled out. Not surprising. We are scheduled for IUI #3 tomorrow am unless todays bloodwork shows differently.

In prehaps more exciting news, I finally got to meet with MY RE. I am so possessive. I have not seen him since early Dec due to his vacation right in the midst of my cycle. When I asked him how he could possibly abandone me re responded "hey if you weren't going to get pregnant, I wasn't sticking around". I love that he is as sarcastic as I am. I do not do uptight and serious well. I think that this may be my last cycle of Clomid. We are in agreement that if it was going to work it should have by now, keeping in mind that we are not counting out this cycle yet (well I am in a way). So, our next steps are injectibles or IVF. He was not committed to having to do an injectible cycle prior to IVF, and said that IVF would likely be his preference. Now Here is the FANTASTIC part......He said he could likely get me free meds for IVF (~$4000) and take a couple thousand off the price!!!!!!!!!! I love that man. I think Frank loves him more.

If this cycle does not work, I would like to get one more in before we leave for Honduras. We will only be gone for 10days but I would not be able to have any monitoring done. I figure if we do not get pregnant this cycle or next, I can start BCPs for IVF while we are traveling. So, we have nothing definitive but we have a general direction. Of, course, this IUI could always work. Right.

Rumblings

So it was only a matter of time. We knew it was coming.

We had our first inquirey into why we aren't pregnant yet. Infertility is an interesting topic and brings out different emotions in both people experiencing it as well as the people they interact with on a daily basis. It tends to make people uncomfortable. Some couples want no one to know about their infertility, they feel it is a private matter. I get that. The less people who know, the fewer stupid comments and suggestions you are subjected to. Frank and I feel that infertility is a medical problem and should not be something to be ashamed of, if one of us had diabetes or cancer we would not hide it so why hide infertility. That said, what is the right level of disclosure? My friends know, my mom knows, the rest of our families do not. Not because we do not want them to know but because we did not think Christmas was the time to bring it up. Pass the turkey, we're infertile.

Frank recieved an email last night from one of his best friends, a groomswoman in our wedding, asking what was going on in the baby making department. We have fully expected that some of our friends who do not know the specifics have figured it out by now. We are way past 20 something and have always said we wanted children. Some of these friends have experienced infertility themselves and now have children as a result of treatment. So, Frank told her about our testing and treatment thus far, all part of if you ask we will tell. A group of his friends are going for a girls weekend at the beach this week and I am sure we will be the topic of conversation. Let the stupid comments begin!

Hump day

So the craptastic organization I work for failed to withhold ANY state taxes for 2007. That was a fun discovery at the beginning of the week. They know they screwed up royally and I am waiting word on their solution, which better be that they pay them. Otherwise that would put a total damper in what little we have saved for IVF.

In other news, I had my first monitoring session today and have a 15mm follicle, a 16 mm follicle and a few 12s. I have to call this afternoon to speak with my Dr because I did not want to consult with the partner who was there today (the one who tried to talk us out of IUI last month). I am sure I will be back there for more monitoring on Friday and possible IUI this weekend. More so, I want a long term plan.

And I really want this week to end.

Letter

So I totally stole this from the internet and it is not a perfect fit, but pretty close.

I want to share my feelings about infertility with you, because I want you to understand my struggle. I know that understanding infertility is difficult; there are times when it seems even I don't understand. This struggle has provoked intense and unfamiliar feelings in me and I fear that my reactions to these feelings might be misunderstood. I hope my ability to cope and your ability to understand will improve as I share my feelings with you. I want you to understand.

You may describe me this way: obsessed, moody, helpless, depressed, envious, too serious, obnoxious, aggressive, antagonistic, and cynical. These aren't very admirable traits; no wonder your understanding of my infertility is difficult. I prefer to describe me this way: confused, rushed and impatient, afraid, isolated and alone, guilty and ashamed, angry, sad and hopeless, and unsettled.

My infertility makes me feel confused. I always assumed I was fertile. I've spent years avoiding pregnancy and now it seems ironic that I can't conceive. I hope this will be a brief difficulty with a simple solution such as poor timing. I feel confused about whether I want to be pregnant or whether I want to be a parent. Surely if I try harder, try longer, try better and smarter, I will have a baby.

My infertility makes me feel rushed and impatient. I learned of my infertility only after I'd been trying to become pregnant for some time. My life-plan suddenly is behind schedule. I waited to become a parent and now I must wait again. I wait for medical appointments, wait for tests, wait for treatments, wait for other treatments, wait for my period not to come, wait for my partner not to be out of town and wait for pregnancy. At best, I have only twelve opportunities each year. How old will I be when I finish having my family?

My infertility makes me feel afraid. Infertility is full of unknowns, and I'm frightened because I need some definite answers. How long will this last? What if I'm never a parent? What humiliation must I endure? What pain must I suffer? Why do drugs I take to help me, make me feel worse? Why can't my body do the things that my mind wants it to do? Why do I hurt so much? I'm afraid of my feelings, afraid of my undependable body and afraid of my future.

My infertility makes me feel isolated and alone. Reminders of babies are everywhere. I must be the only one enduring this invisible curse. I stay away from others, because everything makes me hurt. No one knows how horrible is my pain. Even though I'm usually a clear thinker, I find myself being lured by superstitions and promises. I think I'm losing perspective. I feel so alone and I wonder if I'll survive this.

My infertility makes me feel guilty and ashamed. Frequently I forget that infertility is a medical problem and should be treated as one. Infertility destroys my self esteem and I feel like a failure. Why am I being punished? What did I do to deserve this? Am I not worthy of a baby? Am I not a good sexual partner? Will my partner want to remain with me? Is this the end of my family lineage? Will my family be ashamed of me? It is easy to lose self-confidence and to feel ashamed.My infertility makes me feel angry. Everything makes me angry, and I know much of my anger is misdirected. I'm angry at my body because it has betrayed me even though I've always taken care of it. I'm angry at my partner because we can't seem to feel the same about infertility at the same time. I want and need an advocate to help me. I'm angry at my family because they've always sheltered and protected me from terrible pain. My younger sibling is pregnant; my mother wants a family reunion to show off her grandchildren and my grandparents want to pass down family heirlooms. I'm angry at my medical caregivers, because it seems that they control my future. They humiliate me, inflict pain on me, pry into my privacy, patronize me, and sometimes forget who I am. How can I impress on them how important parenting is to me? I'm angry at my expenses; infertility treatment is extremely expensive. My financial resources may determine my family size. My insurance company isn't cooperative, and I must make so many sacrifices to pay the medical bills. I can't miss any more work, or I'll lose my job. I can't go to a specialist, because it means more travel time, more missed work, and greater expenses. Finally, I'm angry at everyone else. Everyone has opinions about my inability to become a parent. Everyone has easy solutions. Everyone seems to know too little and say too much.
My infertility makes me feel sad and hopeless. Infertility feels like I've lost my future, and no one knows of my sadness. I feel hopeless; infertility robs me of my energy. I've never cried so much nor so easily. I'm sad that my infertility places my marriage under so much strain. I'm sad that my infertility requires me to be so self-centered. I'm sad that I've ignored many friendships because this struggle hurts so much and demands so much energy. Friends with children prefer the company of other families with children. I'm surrounded by babies, pregnant women, playgrounds, baby showers, birth stories, kids' movies, birthday parties and much more. I feel so sad and hopeless. My infertility makes me feel unsettled. My life is on hold. Making decisions about my immediate and my long-term future seems impossible. I can't decide about education, career, purchasing a home, pursuing a hobby, getting a pet, vacations, business trips and houseguests. The more I struggle with my infertility, the less control I have. This struggle has no timetable; the treatments have no guarantees. The only sure things are that I need to be near my partner at fertile times and near my doctor at treatment times. Should I pursue adoption? Should I take expensive drugs? Should I pursue more specialized and costly medical intervention? It feels unsettling to have no clear, easy answers or guarantees.

Occasionally I feel my panic subside. I'm learning some helpful ways to cope; I'm now convinced I'm not crazy, and I believe I'll survive. I'm learning to listen to my body and to be assertive, not aggressive, about my needs. I'm realizing that good medical care and good emotional care are not necessarily found in the same place. I'm trying to be more than an infertile person gaining enthusiasm, joyfulness, and zest for life.

You can help me. I know you care about me and I know my infertility affects our relationship. My sadness causes you sadness; what hurts me, hurts you, too. I believe we can help each other through this sadness. Individually we both seem quite powerless, but together we can be stronger. Maybe some of these hints will help us to better understand infertility.

I need you to be a listener. Talking about my struggle helps me to make decisions. Let me know you are available for me. It's difficult for me to expose my private thoughts if you are rushed or have a deadline for the end of our conversation. Please don't tell me of all the worse things that have happened to others or how easily someone else's infertility was solved. Every case is individual. Please don't just give advice; instead, guide me with your questions. Assure me that you respect my confidences, and then be certain that you deserve my trust. While listening try to maintain an open mind. I need you to be supportive. Understand that my decisions aren't made casually,I've agonized over them. Remind me that you respect these decisions even if you disagree with them, because you know they are made carefully. Don't ask me, "Are you sure?" Repeatedly remind me that you love me no matter what. I need to hear it so badly. Let me know you understand that this is very hard work. Help me realize that I may need additional support from professional caregivers and appropriate organizations. Perhaps you can suggest resources. You might also need support for yourself, and I fear I'm unable to provide it for you; please don't expect me to do so. Help me to keep sight of my goal.

I need you to be comfortable with me, and then I also will feel more comfortable. Talking about infertility sometimes feels awkward. Are you worried you might say the wrong thing? Share those feelings with me. Ask me if I want to talk. Sometimes I will want to, and sometimes I won't, but it will remind me that you care.

I need you to be sensitive. Although I may joke about infertility to help myself cope, it doesn't seem as funny when others joke about it. Please don't tease me with remarks like, "You don't seem to know how to do it." Don't trivialize my struggle by saying, "I'd be glad to give you one of my kids." It's no comfort to hear empty reassurances like, "You'll be a parent by this time next year." Don't minimize my feelings with, "You shouldn't be so unhappy." For now, don't push me into uncomfortable situations like baby showers or family reunions. I already feel sad and guilty; please don't also make me feel guilty for disappointing you.

I need you to be honest with me. Let me know that you may need time to adjust to some of my decisions. I also needed adjustment time. If there are things you don't understand, say so. Please be gentle when you guide me to be realistic about things I can't change such as my age, some medical conditions, financial resources, and employment obligations. Don't hide information about others' pregnancies from me. Although such news makes me feel very sad, it feels worse when you leave me out.

I need you to be informed. Your advice and suggestions are only frustrating to me me if they aren't based on fact. Be well informed so you can educate others when they make remarks based on myths. Don't let anyone tell you that my infertility will be cured if I relax and adopt. Don't tell me this is God's will. Don't ask me to justify my need to parent. Don't criticize my course of action or my choice of physician even though I may do that myself. Reassure yourself that I am also searching for plenty of information which helps me make more knowledgeable decisions about my options.

I need you to be patient. Remember that working through infertility is a process. It takes time. There are no guarantees, no package deals, no complete kits, no one right answer, and no "quickie" choices. My needs change; my choices change. Yesterday I demanded privacy, but today I need you for strength. You have many feelings about infertility, and I do too. Please allow me to have anger, joy, sadness, and hope. Don't minimize or evaluate my feelings. Just allow me to have them, and give me time.

I need you to be strengthening by boosting my self esteem. My sense of worthlessness hampers my ability to take charge. My personal privacy has repeatedly been invaded. I've been subjected to postcoital exams, semen collection in waiting room bathrooms, and tests in rooms next to labor rooms. Enjoyable experiences with you such as a lunch date, a shopping trip, or a visit to a museum help me feel normal.Encourage me to maintain my sense of humor; guide me to find joys. Celebrate with me my successes, even ones as small as making it through a medical appointment without crying. Remind me that I am more than an infertile person. Help me by sharing your strength.Eventually I will be beyond the struggle of infertility. I know my infertility will never completely go away because it will change my life. I won't be able to return to the person I was before infertility, but I also will no longer be controlled by this struggle. I will leave the struggle behind me, and from that I will have improved my skills for empathy, patience, resilience, forgiveness, decision-making and self-assessment. I feel grateful that you are trying to ease my journey through this infertility struggle by giving me your understanding.

Hurt

It has been a very long week. Work has been terrible. There is a ton of mismanagement going around that does not affect me directly but leaves my medical assistants overworked and in tears daily. I then have to pick up the pieces and yet cannot do anything to make the situation better.
I feel I am getting burnt out and I still have at least 2.5 years left there. This week I have had visits with a little girl whose mother swung her into a wall head first by her mother, a 3 yo boy sexually molested by his uncle, a 5yo who does not speak and whose parents have never had evaluated (despite all of our offices best efforts over the past 4 years) and more general neglect than I can articulate. Some days it is just too much. And of course, there is always the question of how come they can have children and I can't.

Cuckoo for cocca puffs

Let me tell you how much I am enjoying my latest round of Clomid. I took my first dose yesterday morning and by late afternoon, I thought my ovaries were going to explode. I could totally feel them kicking it into high gear. Today I have a headache and while Frank and I were out running errands, I spontaneously burst into tears. There was no reason for me to be crying and I acknowledge that, but I could. not. stop. I guess that's why they call it the Clomid crazies.

Anyway, I am super excited for the Giants to be in the Super Bowl. I would love love love to go, but seeing as how that will likely be right around when we would be doing IUI #3, I don't think its going to happen.

I am not an RE but I play one on TV

So IUI #2 is a bust. So much for worrying about HOM. Sigh. I had a few really bad days but I think I am feeling a little better. I just have this nagging feeling that we are going to have to do IVF. And I have NO idea how we are going to pay for it.

For now, we are on to IUI #3. I have so many questions for my RE. I have spoken to the nurses and we will agin be doing Clomid but only for 4 days this time and at a different dose... 150mg cd4, 100mg cd 5-6, and 50mg cd7. I have never heard of a dose like this before but we will see. I also won't even be seeing my RE for my first monitoring session b/c I can't get to the office he will be at. So I will go to my regular office and get the b/w and US and then wait to hear what to do. Frank thinks we need to do back to back IUIs. I do not necessarily disagree. I think I need a trigger shot b/c some of my follies were large (29 the day before IUI) and I am afraid they may have been too mature.
Isn't fun to play RE!

Because its the circus????

I had a little girl in the office on Thursday who came in with her mom because of a rash on her cotton candy. And this was mom's terminology.

Seriously?

Go Giants!!!!

Yesterday I worked in the morning which was not bad at all and then we went to our friends house to play Wii. Love the Wii. I got one for Frank for Christmas as well and between the games we had and theirs we didn't get to half of them. So much fun.

Today we went to see Juno which was a great movie but caused me to break out into tears at a few points. At one part the main character says to the potential adoptive mom of her baby "You're lucky it's not in your stomach" Ouch! That kind of stung. But, overall, it was really good. Then we came home and watched the Giants BEAT the Cowboys!!!!!! I love it. Totally made my week.

Its been one week......

Please note title of post should be sung to the Bare Naked Ladies Song

So its been one week since the IUI. Technically, today is 8dpIUI, or 8 days post IUI. I don't feel anything different, not that that I expect to. Ask any women going through IF and she will tell you she lives her life in 2 week increments. Waiting approx two weeks to ovulate and then another 2 weeks to see if you are pregnant. Personally, I do really well the first week past ovulation. I don't really think about things and I just live my life. Well, that is a lie. I am always thinking about infertility, but I do not obsess as much as I do the second week.

So now begins the second week, or as I like to call it the week of phantom symptoms. I can convince myself during this week that I am pregnant in numerous ways. Every gas pain, trip to pee, and vein in my boobs clearly points to my knocked up state.....or a bad dinner that night before. It is during this time that hope shows up on my doorstep begging to be let in. Of course, you let her stay for too long and she causes all sorts of havoc when you have to kick her out b/c aunt flow has come to take her place. So, this month, or should I say week, I am going to try an keep busy so as not to obsess on my symptoms, or lack thereof.

Wait, I just felt a twinge in my breast.

Gold Medal

IUI #2 is done. The procedure itself was quick and painless, it is really no more than a pap smear, getting there was another story. I really think we should petition to have IUIs included in the Summer Olympics. The could be several events.....

1. Drop everything: This event would be timed from the late afternoon phone call informing you that based on your bloodwork you need to be seen tomorrow for IUI at a predetermined time. Points awarded for how quickly you can rearrange your work and home schedule to make this happen.

2. Dump and run (men only): This would involve the men producing a sample and getting it a predetermined spot, either the RE office or to their wife for pick up. Bonus points for depositing samples in inconvenient situations. Say, for example, the bathroom stall at your office.

3. Hand off: This is the passing of the specimen from husband to wife on her way to the Drs. office. Points for speed and packaging of the goods during the hand off.

3. Heat is on: This event requires that the specimen provided stays at body temperature until it arrives at the office for SA and IUI. Bonus points for creativity in keeping the specimen at the right degree.

4. Race to the finish. The equivalent of the 100 yd dash in track & field, the final event challenges you to arrive safely at the RE office one hour production of the sample. You lose points for any encountered traffic jams or construction zones.

I really think it could be a fan favorite. And Lord knows, I am already in training for the Gold!

Cluck Cluck

My follies today were bigger. I now have 4 that measure b/t 19-29!!!!!!! I think I qualify as a chicken. I am scheduled for IUI tomorrow afternoon based on my bloodwork today. Suffice it to say that this is going to require some very creative timing to get myself and Franks sample to the RE office on time. The office in Paoli mind you, 15 miles from the office I usually go to and even farther from my office. So....let the ovulating begin. I am sure it is not going to feel pretty.

Recap

Ok, so if I am going to be serious about this blog, I guess I need to catch up since the last time I posted.

Our first cycle with the RE was a bust. We did an unmedicated IUI and Franks post wash SA was not too bad. Everyone seemed happy about the numbers. Re told me to call him in 2 weeks and tell him I was pregnant. How I wish I could have done that. Instead, I called with my period and was started on Clomid 100mg cd 4-5 followed by 50mg cd6-8. I did not have too many side effects, some HA and some moodiness.

Apparently, I am a cheap date. That is what the RE called me. My RE, whom I love, is on vacation until next week so I saw one of his partners. I have 4 follies b/t 16-25 as of yesterday. Which means that in theory that should all of Franks sperm decide to learn to swim, we could have quads! Sub RE tried to dissuade me from the IUI but admitted that he is more conservative and my RE would continue on. So, I think that is likely what we will do. I have another apt in the am and see ready my follies are then.

Resolutions

Happy New Year!

I do not usually make resolutions but this year my resolution is to work on this blogging thing. I really do want to have something concrete written to look back on when this whole process is over.

Wish me Luck!